SEX
IN GAY LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS
[revitalizing sex]
Many
gay men in long term relationships, after many years, have little or
no sex with their partners.
Western
ejaculation sex is usually ego based. That means our sexual desires,
dreams, even the sex itself is being dictated or managed by our ego.
It also usually means that each partner had an image of what the
other person was like. Often that image is not true but functions to
make this partner see the other partner as sexually attractive. The
other partner his or her own image that fits into their sexual
desires.
These
are actually illusions, false images that break down with time,
familiarity and love. But these illusions are what fueled their
sexual drive, so when they fade or disappear so does the sexual
desire. Yes, often what is left is intimacy, love, and trust. So the
couple stay together and they manage their sexuality in different
ways some are awkward some not: like “don't ask, don't tell,”
some bring a third into the bedroom, some are free to sex with
others, and often there is a lot of denial and sneaking around.
The
problem here is that western ejaculation or ego sex is based on
illusions. It is based on some ego/mental need we have like: sex
with another person makes them feel valuable/acceptable or ok; sex
with another makes them feel loved; sex with another makes them
accept their body because someone had to do that in order to have sex
with them they assume. The point is sex fills some mental need but
this is something that has been added onto sex, attached to sex. This
is sex means ______ and everybody’s “sex means” is different.
These are not the true purpose of sex, they are a false purpose, a
contrived purpose so they don't stand the test of time.
Many
people are lucky enough to fall in love, get married or partnered and
the sex just fades into the background, becomes seemingly unimportant
or unnecessary. Or one partner will satisfy the needs of the other
but there is no loving energy exchange, no spiritual connection, no
intimacy and therefore no orgasm or joy.
No,
its not your fault. The culture has not taught you the purpose of
sex, intimacy and orgasm. Because sex is dirty, not a topic of
conversation, or not talked about in civilized family’s. Most of
our parents don't know the real purpose of sex other then
procreation. In other cultures sex is viewed very differently, it is
not bad or wrong or dirty. It is part of life, a big part of life,
an important part of life.
Sex
needs to be taken out of the realm of the ego and moved to the realm
of spirituality. Tantra sees orgasm as an “access to the Divine*”
or as communion.
[*
they leave it up to you to define what Divine means to you] our
culture has religated sex as coming from our animal nature and
further labeling both of them as bad. NONE OF THIS COULD BE FURTHER
FROM THE TRUTH
SEX IS
LIFE. We come from sex. If it were not for sex none of us would be
here. Our sexual energy is some of the most powerful energy in our
body. Sexual energy can heal, rejuvenate, revitalize, and open doors
to joy and orgasmic highs most people don't even dream about or have
never heard about. If you shut down your sexual energy you will
probably get sick and die. Some people spurred on by organized
religion shun sex and sexual energy which can severely cripple them
physically, mentally, drain their vitality and probably leave them
very little joy, love or energy.
Many
in our culture see sex as a physical ONLY thing. It is about looking
good, having a great body, knowing all the right moves. Sex for them
is about rub, rub squirt, squirt, its all physical and ego or
mentally driven. If they are very lucky they are so involved in
their sexual activity that they end up with a quiet mind and
therefore have a larger then usual orgasm, they will attribute that
to how good their partner looked or how long they had sex.
Much
of the problem is our materialistic society so naturally it would
follow that sex is materialistic too or only about physical. So we
need a new context or paradigm for our sexuality.
WE
NEED TO SEE IT AS A WAY FOR TWO PEOPLE TO JOIN SPIRITUALITY TO
CELEBRATE THE ORGASMIC JOY OF THEIR SENSUAL SEXUALITY.
But
this requires a quiet mind and our culture doesn’t teach us
anything about that either. Our culture pretty much teaches us that
we are our ego mind. In fact many/most people assume that the ego
that they “hear as thoughts” in their head is who they are. They
are identified with their ego. So if this is how they are in life
why would they change this is in their sexuality? Many people don't
even see they have a problem so they aren't even looking for a cure.
Tantra
and conscious sex is sort of opening up a back door and changing the
way people have sex which then changes their whole lives including
their relationships. Two people learning and practicing Tantric sex
will create a spiritual connection that will carry over into their
everyday life and transform it along with their sexual relationship.
This will in turn affect their health, wealth, happiness, and
well-being.
By
initiating intimacy and sensuality the sex will follow. This is usually done in one on one/two vs seminar. but the seminar is in process.
Copyright Ross B Todd (C) 2011